Internet neutrality is slowly disappearing everywhere, but in the Philippines it is already dead and gone, it probably never even existed. There are only two telecom companies, Globe and Smart, resulting in a bad duopoly situation. For no reason, I am with Globe, but I am pretty sure Smart is just as bad. In Port Barton, coverage is so poor it is impossible to go online for most of day time – except, strangely, Facebook. Facebook is nearly always accessible. Basically, Facebook IS internet for Filipinos in rural areas, that is all there is to see online. Why? The only explanation I can come up with: Facebook has secured a priority deal with the telecom duopoly, that enables it to be the only site millions of Filipinos can see on their phones every day. Also, when you buy a “load” (ie, buy data for surfing and/or phone credit – in a place like Port Barton, where there are no landlines, prepayment is universal, I have never met anyone having a phone subscribtion), you are sometimes offered a “freebie” of 1 extra GB – but only with a very limited choice what you can use this data for: it’s either Facebook, Instagram, Youtube, Twitter, Viber, or some games like Pokemon. Choose one and that’s it. Freedom of choice? No, that one is not available, sorry.
I wrote this about 2 months ago for my blog, but never finished and published it. Today I stumble upon this interesting (though very biased) article, that confirms and explains what I had noted. Wether President Duterte can, or can’t, be considered a “dictator” is another matter entirely, but let’s say that even though I think it excessive to say the least, since I am no longer in Port Barton and therefore have daily access to newspapers and wikipedia, my own views have naturally become more nuanced – which kind of proves the article’s main point.
FINALLY I am able to leave the nightmare that Kapares had become behind me. It was a good lesson, though a pretty expensive one, and I learned a lot. First of all, I learned that you really, REALLY should be careful who you associate yourself with. My former associate’s real passions (and I’m sure he will keep pursuing them for the rest of his life them now that he is finally free from that evil foreigner who tried to make him actually DO stuff) are sleeping (mostly), drinking, hanging out with his broadened family, and bossing around these poor boys he gives shelter to. Out of all these activities, only the last one was of any use to Kapares, though I was never comfortable with it. He is easily the laziest person I ever met (and I’m far from being a stakhanovist) – I once saw him literally stomp and cry because he had to do some work (he was drunk of course). He hates Puerto, never went to El Nido, never left Palawan; he will never try anything new, or different, or change anything. His only loyalty is to his family.I wonder if Fililpinos like him, with this attitude, aren’t at least a part of why the Philippines have been left behind economically these last decades. Luckily, I also think this “small town, small mind” mentality will soon be a thing of the past here.
That guy was an extremely unlucky choice of a partner for sure, but I am guilty too, of course. Of taking what seemed the easier and cheaper (ha, big mistake) way at the time. Of deciding at first to trust and not get too involved in the daily operations (biggest mistake ever). Of wanting to believe that a proper partnership involved mutual respect and honesty. All this naive, egalitarian bullshit.
I learned that if you pay, you call the shot. Keep an eye on everything. Have everything properly documented (having all receipts to my name and religiously keeping them was probably my only smart move). Don’t be too nice. Don’t trust anyone without knowing them well – and even then.
That means also, do not buy anything yourself, you will pay twice as much as a Filipino. When dealing with contractors, remember that a set date, an appointment, a deadline don’t mean anything. “Yes, tomorrow morning” can mean “maybe one of those days”, or “no, never”. On the administrative front, having all clearances, permits and registrations doesn’t mean that your business won’t be declared illegal at some point. Conversely, not having any of these doesn’t mean that your business will be closed either… It’s might still be about who you know, and possibly what you pay, though this seems to be changing/ The days of “build / open first, ask permits after” seem well and truly over with the closing of Boracay and partial destruction of El Nido beachfront. I don’t know anymore, actually. Maybe it’s just that everything is always in a transitory state here.
The more you stay here, the less much of what is happening makes sense, the more troubled times seem to be. Trying to set up a business is not easy, particularly when you have zero experience, in a totally foreign and different country, with laws to prevent foreigner to set up businesses on their own. But I console myself remembering that setting up a business in Switzerland would have been forever out of my reach. And that I’ll be much smarter (though poorer) next time. Onward!
It could have worked out though…
- 1. Filipino techno is awful
The Philippines have their own brand of techno music, it’s called budots and (sorry Filipinos, don’t mind the opinion of a sad old Westerner) it’s just terrible. Basically a kind of happy hardcore, budots (a slang bisayan term for a jobless person, someone with way too much free time in their hands) originated in Davao city and is also a dance, pretty much like French tektonik was both a music and a dance style. Like tektonik also, budots was originally a street kids thing that got popular nationwide through Youtube channels. What can I say, this racket just drives me nuts (but not in a good way), I’m really way too ancient for this.
2. Filipinos are outlaws
Filipinos don’t care much about rules and regulations. You want to open a business, just open it. You want to build your house on that piece of land, just build it. You can always get the permits and authorization later. Of course, you might also not get them. Doesn’t necessarily mean anything will actually happen any time soon. Who knows. You want to drive but don’t have a driving licence? Who cares. Even professional van drivers don’t have theirs. Of course, don’t expect them to respect any traffic regulations. Like a friend told me, “I’ve never felt as free as in this country”. This freedom comes with a high risk price, but to us modern Europeans who have only ever known the opposite (anything that is not strictly forbidden is mandatory under severe financial penalty), it still seems totally worth it.
3. Pets are disposable commodities
To keep a puppy alive is a matter of luck – like one vet told me, all known dogs diseases flourish here, so natural selection is hardcore. If your puppy gets sick, the chances it will die are pretty high, and there is really not much you can actually do – react as quickly as possible (not so easy when the nearest vet is three hours away), and hope. Surprisingly, enough dogs make it through so that strays are becoming a bit of a problem, though.
Same goes with cats. I got lucky with mine, she’s in perfect shape without any vaccination, but I’ve lost counts of all the kitten I have seen just vanish overnight. Very few actually get to adulthood.
4. Calamansi make everything better
Filipino hold a deep belief that the juice of calamansi, a local variety of small, green lemons, goes with everything. And that means E. VE. RY. THING. Their credo is that anything that can be eaten or drunk is significantly improved by the addition of calamansi juice.
5. Macaroni are dessert
Just like they serve a type of sweetened red sausages on sticks together with marshmallows as candies for kids parties, Filipinos consider macaroni are best with sugar, condensed milk, canned fruits… and cheese. Because at this point of confusion between sweet and salty, why the hell not.
Then there is also buko salad, with fresh coconut meat, condensed milk… and mayonnaise. Whatever.
One week ago, Kapares Bar & Restaurant was blessed by Port Barton’s priest, then officially open with a big party. There was lechon (full roasted piglet), lots of rum-coke, live music, fire dancer, the whole package. It was a great opening party. The barangay officials were all invited… and yet we have no business license, no mayor permit, none of the authorizations that a respectable business is supposed to have.
Indeed, the normal procedure in the Philippines seems to be: open first (provided you have the barangay clearance, which is the one you can’t do without), then register with the different administrations. There is nothing exceptional in our situation. The problem is, as it is now, we know we will never get these authorizations. Unless we tear the whole café down. Only once all of it is leveled will we be within the law.
This absurd situation is due to an even more absurd law, stating that ALL roads should be 15 meters wide, with 5 more inconstructible meters on each side. This is a response to the situation in El Nido, the booming tourist destination of the island, where narrow streets are chronically blocked by a continuous flood of tricycles, vans, SUV, jeepneys and trucks. Therefore the municipality of San Vicente (of which Port Barton is a barangay) decided to plan ahead, in order to avoid that situation in the future. Which is probably a very good idea if applied to the truly colossal development plans for nearby Long Beach (basically turn 17km of untouched beach and coconut trees into Little Florida). But no one would imagine such a legal disposition applied retroactively to ALL roads, including the inner streets of a small fishermen village like Port Barton, of course… right? Right??
As unbelievable as it seems, the same municipality that is unable to provide electricity for more than 6 hours a day, unable even to cover the muddy dirtroads we call streets, is totally decided and has the means to implement an absurd widening of those same mudroads. Even if that implies that ALL shops, restaurants, and many habitations have to be (at least partially) leveled. Even though there is only a few motorbikes and schoolkids on these roads at any given time. It’s so absurd still can’t believe it.
And indeed that situation is so surrealist, that even though it was in the air for a long time, nobody could really take the threat seriously. Myself I decided it would never be implemented and went on. Surely they would come to their senses. They could not basically want to close down all Port Barton, turn it into one big construction site for at least one whole touristic season, only to have a beautiful, leafy, picturesque village turned in a kind of mini Los Angeles with 25 meters-wide highways?
Actually, yes, that is exactly what they are planning to do. They have started to hand cease-and-desist orders, and a few restaurants are condemned and will not open this coming season. Most owners will not invest into moving back their whole place 5 meters either, so who knows if or when they will ever reopen.
Kapares is of course within the 5 meters where nothing can be built, so we know that at some point – in a few weeks, months, hopefully next season, who the fuck knows – we will have to tear down our brand new roof and turn our nice, cosy restaurant into a flat, basic, empty outdoor terrasse. Because everything has to be removable, we would only be allowed beach umbrellas, which do not provide shelter here, neither against the burning tropical sun nor against tropical rain showers.
Funnily enough, another similar, new law stipulates that nothing can be built on the beach within at least 35 meters from the high tide level (San Vicente wanted 50 meters, but that disposition is still disputed). Which in Port Barton means that ALL beach front resort should be dynamited. And in some areas, between the 25m-wide road and the 35m-wide beach there would probably remain just enough width to put a small (removable) beach hut.
I have to say, even now, I am still skeptical – it is not only a few foregners-owned businesses that are concerned, but ALL Filipinos-owned shops, restaurants, acomodations, and actual family houses, too. I can’t believe that the locals will just accept to lose their source of income, and in most cases all they own. I am still waiting to see what will happen.
1. A group selfie is called a groufie.
2. The Commander of the Philippine Naval Forces West is called Rommel Jude (and he is not the only one)
3. Judging by TV programs, Filipinos love 3 things: basketball, cockfighting, and singing children contests. But Filipinos LOVE basketball most of all.
4. Filipinos are amazing musicians (and the singing kids are all impressive too).
5. The guy who stars in Tanduay Rhum ubiquitous ads is called Derek Ramsay, a half British, half Filipino seriously good looking actor who is apparently not Jango Fett’s little brother.
6. The Philippines are the only place where no one is surprised about Switzerland having 3 (ok, 4) national languages: they have around 135.
7. The third religion after Roman Catholicism and Islam is the Iglesa Ni Cristo, an indigenous dynastic church that considers all other churches to be apostates.
8. Jose Rizal was a kind of real life superhero who managed to be an ophthalmologist, sculptor, painter, educator, farmer, historian, playwright and journalist before he turned 35; he then sacrificed himself as revolutionary martyr, his execution by Spain eventually resulting in the (short–lived) first philippine independence two years later. Oh and he also won the lottery at some point. Seriously.
THE + (in no particular order)
- The cost of living
This is obviously an essential plus for the Philippines. A beer costs 1 CHF/EUR, a meal between 3 and 7 max (for a big fish fresh out of the sea, for instance). You can eat out twice a day for 300 CHF/EUR per month. Rent can vary hugely, but if you want some comfort like kitchen, private bathroom, terrace and concrete walls (bamboo walls look super good but not if you have direct neighbours), count 200 to 300 a month. You can rent a 125cc motorbike but the best deal is to buy one for 900 CHF/EUR or less, depending of the mileage. So basically you can live comfortably with 500 CHF/EUR per month, and definitely much less.
- The people
I know I wrote about it before, and I know some day something will happen that will make me come to my senses, and that this can be a violent and corrupt place, and that as a foreigner I will always be a second-class citizen, but, so far, even if I sound like a naive hippy, I just have to mention the Palawenos and Palawenas as one huge plus. The waving children who scream hello when you pass on motorbike, the little honk and smile of the other drivers, the extreme politeness, the helpfulness, the curiosity and genuine care… most people just seem to be super nice here. It’s weird. They must be up to something.
- The nature
Palawan is simply the most beautiful place I have ever seen, it is officially listed as THE number 1 tropical paradise island in the world by Conde Nast, Travel+Leisure and other travelers bibles. It has everything you can dream of – lush green jungles with amazing fauna, huge, empty white beaches under coconut trees, turquoise, transparent water, reefs, fishes, turtles, secret coves and hidden waterfalls, lost tribes and more. It is sparsely populated, just starting to develop, and hopefully they won’t fuck it up by building huge resorts everywhere – at least not in the very near future.
- The extremely wet wet season
During the wet season in Port Barton, anything in leather will get covered in (potentially toxic) grey-green mold, which will then spread to all clothes. Nothing ever dries unless you put them in direct sunlight, and quickly take them in before rain comes, which is every day. You will find your folded clothes covered with white mold spots when you unfold them, and they will stink of gorgonzola cheese, like your bed sheets and everything else. Every small metallic piece will rust. Untreated wood will be turned to moss and crumble within a year. The smallest wound will take weeks to heal, but can get infected in no time.
- The shitty internet
In the main cities and towns, internet connections, while being neither super fast nor super reliable, are pretty ok. But in a relatively remote places like Port Barton, even though “Free Wi-fi” is advertised everywhere, it is mostly nowhere – the modem may be Chinese (not functioning), or out of battery (there is no electricity during day time) or the daily prepaid allowance was already used (800mb max, which isn’t much), or it’s heavily raining (rain seems to interrupt most internet coverage). You can buy your own router but it will not be any better, and I can’t decide if that prepaiment system is super clever or totally retarded.
- The insects
Whatever you do, ants of all sizes will be everywhere and on everything (including you) all the time, not to mention the winged variety that comes at dawn, or those swarm of flying black beetles that sometimes appear like a black cloud of hell turning into a moving carpet of pure horror. You also have huge clumsy capricorn beetles, super annoying flies, potentially dangerous mosquitoes (they can carry malaria and dengue fever), big black spiders, but beautiful endemic black and blue butterflies as big as a bird, too. The worst though has to be the sandflies, or nik-nik. These tiny fuckers are almost invisible, but will sting you everywhere. Their bites will first itch like hell for days, then get infected, and finally leave a little round white scar. It can also get so bad that you need antibiotics.
If you have any question about life in the Philippines, don’t hesitate to ask in the comments or write me at lars.kophal (a) gmail.com. I’ll do my best to answer them.